Put your own oxygen mask on first!
We are all different, but what connects us all, is our love and care for our children. I know this, because you are here reading this. You see self care is NOT selfish. I need to say this again. Self care is NOT selfish. We sometimes impose this feeling of “feeling bad” when we care for ourselves.
Caring for yourself as a parent is like the oxygen masks in the airplane. In order to help a child put theirs on, you have to put yours on first. You will be helping no one if your oxygen mask is not on.
Parenting, in normal times, is tough. We are in a time of trauma, so this is not even normal time. What do I mean by a time of trauma. Trauma, generally speaking, is an emotional experience surrounding a highly stressful and shocking event. What makes this event “trauma” is when a person’s ability to cope is compromised. So this time of coronavirus, is a shocking and stressful event, and has the potential to be traumatic.
So what can we do....here are some thoughts
1) You are not alone!
The first thing I want all of you to know and repeat as often as you need to believe it, is “YOU ARE NOT ALONE!”
This is hard for some to believe now a days, with the age of Facebook and Instagram. We see pictures of families baking bread together, taking pictures where nobody is fighting, nobody is crying-things look perfect. This is not the case for anyone! No family is perfect! No parent is perfect. I want to tell you something-perfect parenting doesn’t exist. Your children are not looking for the perfect parent. They would rather you be happy so that you can be present, kind, and understanding. If you feel like you are going to lose your mind, feel like you are going crazy—YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Parenting is a tough job, one of the toughest, it is normal to struggle. Especially now in this time of isolation, its important to know and recognize that you are not alone.
2) No guilt!
This is important. As I said earlier, It is not selfish to take care of yourself as a parent. In order for you to parent your child, you need to take care of yourself. You are taking care of yourself, with the purpose of being a better, more patient, more loving parent. There is nothing selfish about that. There is a saying that goes “You cannot serve from an empty vessel” You need to fill your vessel first
There is often a lot of negativity we feel associated with taking time for ourselves. I hear this phrase often from parents “I feel bad” or “I feel guilty”. There is no guilt or shame in doing so.
3) Take a look at your sleep
Prior to the pandemic, experts were saying that we are in the middle of a sleep crisis in this county. Nobody was getting enough sleep.Some are sleeping more hours now because of no committee time, or more flexible schedules. But some researchers have found that people are not sleeping due to anxiety related to the coronavirus.
In general, of course, if you are sleep deprived, do your best and TRY to get good sleep. Notice that I put in the word “try”. It doesn’t matter how old your child is, sleep is hard for a parent. When your kids are young they might get out of bed and into yours, or cry from a nightmare, or have an accident. Then they get older, start staying up later, and have more homework, they stay up, maybe you stay up with them.. Or maybe you are staying up late after your kids sleep to clean, do laundry, catch up on work—whatever it is :) Or maybe you are not sleeping because you are worried about your child.
Really, there are few things more important than a good sleep. Parenting is emotionally and physically draining. There is a reason why armies used to use the punishment of sleep deprivation with prisoners -it is torture! Every person/family is different, so I’m going to just offer just general tips to look at your sleep hygiene, meaning looking at the quality of your sleep
limit screen time before bed to 90 minutes before you sleep
Try to wake up and sleep and at the same time every day. Routine and strutter are key
Keep your room cool. The human body needs to drop its core temperature by 2-3 degrees Fahrenheit in order to initiate sleep and STAY asleep. This is why if you are feeling so hot, it is hard for fall asleep. The optimal temperature is about 65 degrees.
Try not to eat right before bed
Use your bed just for sleeping, not for eating, studying working. Helps your brain connect that being in bed means sleep.
Alcohol disturbs your REM sleep, which your body needs to feel rested so careful with your REM sleep.
Save the arguments/heavy conversation for another time. Yes, I know people tell you not to go to bed angry and I agree to a certain extent. But there is no hard and fast rule! But sleep is crucial, and if you can table it to tomorrow, go ahead and do it.
3. Exercise/Get outside
I Know this one is tough one. And I realize that exercise may not be possible for all, if you’re dealing with a disability. But whatever form of movement you are able to do, then great! And anything works, yoga, pilates, running around the outside of your house-whatever!When you exercises your body release a chemical called endorphin, also known as the feel good chemical. Endorphins have been known to boost your mood and lower anxiety. It’s Nature's antidepressant so to speak.
But what if you can’t get time alone to exercise, try turning on the music and having a dance party. Take a walk on your street if possible, any way to get your body moving.
But beyond exercise, it is crucial for you to get outside and be in nature for 10 minutes a day. There have been studies that have just shown that just those 10 minutes a day can work wonders. Even if its cold, even is it overcast. Studies have shown that being in nature can reduce cortisol, the stress hormone.
4) Contain your stress
"Cleaning your home with kids home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos"
Most of us live with constant stress normally, and its very possible its amplified with this pandemic. Unfortunately, this send our children a message that they are not as important to as as what we are stressed about-and I am definitely guilty of this. Some of things were are stressed about are valid, like money issues, health. Deal with those in a healthy way.
I love that quote about, because it certainly rings true in my house! The small stuff, do you best to let it go!
Sometimes we just need to reduce our expectations. Sometimes we just need to choose our battles. I am not saying to change the way your are parenting. If there is something important your child needs to do, or needs to not do, this you stand your ground on. But other things, you may decide you can let go.
5) Relate, don't isolate
The impact of social isolation has been widely studied. Being isolated can lead to anxiety and depression. Its can also affect your body physiologically-can affect your immune system, sleep pattern.
But just because you are home, does not mean you have to feel “isolated” Work on maintaining the friendship you had via text. Join in a virtual dinner party. This important whether you are an introvert or an extrovert. Talk to people about how you are feeling.
If professional help is necessary, then please go that route.Therapists, supports groups. When you need treatment get it. The evidence shows that your family will be better off.
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